Archive | December 2012

Cool (S)tats

I just posted my 2012 year-end blog review.  It is pretty cool that I have been blogging for 6 months now.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to keep up with the writing, but it has certainly become a part of my crazy routine.

For those who are so inclined to look at my stats, please note the following:

(1) The old-lady-smoking picture is displayed appropriately next to the photos of me.  It’s like the set-up for an anti-smoking ad campaign.  Scene: A beautiful, youthful, ballerina is pictured dancing happily in a green meadow.  The ballerina stops, slips her fingers into her ballet slipper, pulls out a dainty cigarette and places it in her mouth.  She begins to smoke…..POOOF! She turns into an old lady with no teeth!” …….AHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAKE IT STOP! OH THE HUMANITY!  Now that is what I call effective advertising!

(2) One of the most popular blog posts was “Poopy-Face-Tomato-Nose”.  This was also one of my favorite posts to write, mainly because I love the song. “One day three ducks went across the road; going to get some soda.  But they weren’t looking where they were going and a bus came along and hit them all.  Now they’re handi-capped-ed…Well, that’s pretty much it.  Handi-Quacks.  Any they never got their SOOOOODDAAAAA!”

(3) Two of the top terms that referred people to my sight was “old ladies” and “poopy face tomato nose.”  No joke, someone almost daily was using these search terms on Google and stumbled upon my sight.  Ok people, I get why you are looking for PFTN episode.  It is hilarious and needs to be viewed at least once a week.  However, I ask you, why would anyone want to look up an old lady smoking?! Seriously, what is the purpose of this search? What do you intend to find?  If any of you out there could please shed a little light on this issue for me, I would greatly appreciate your input.

(4) A total of 91 countries viewed my site.  Yeah-ya! My words are reaching across seas and into the homes of millions!…Well, more like the homes of hundreds.  Whatever! Still pretty cool if you ask me.  I have lots of views from people in different countries that speak different languages. I can barely speak English, but I am still able to communicate with people from countries like Sweden, Japan and Germany.  Amazing.

(5) Spicy Mermaid made the most comments on my blog.  Close seconds are BeautyGraceStrength, Kristen Gillette and Mercietchatons.  In last place we have Ms. Disney herself.  MS. DISNEY – THIS IS SIMPLY UNEXCEPTABLE.  YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BFF.  THESE STRANGERS ARE MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE A CHUMP.  SHAPE UP OR I WILL BE FORCED TO WRESTLE YOU TO THE FLOOR, SIT ON YOUR CHEST AND PRETEND TO SPIT ON YOU!  THIS IS YOUR FIRST AND FINAL WARNING.  That is all.

In conclusion – Thank you to everyone who has found, followed or commented on my blog over the last six months.   [Of course, this excludes the people who wrote the mean-nasty posts I have gotten in the last month.  You know who you are.  You haters can just suck eggs.]  Anywho, your support means a lot and it has helped me through some trying times in my pursuit to bettering myself by learning ballet.  I hope you all have a wonderful year and I look forward to writing more in 2013!

On a side note:  If my theory is correct, the following image will be the most viewed image of 2013.  May the experiment begin!

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[Isn’t that just HILARIOUS?!?!?!]

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2012 in review – LB Blasting it Up!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 13,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 3 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

Dwight Schrute

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If I could be best friends with any fictitious character on TV today, it would have to be Dwight K. Schrute from the Office. Dwight is seriously the funniest person that has ever been on television within the last decade. OK, I understand that some of you may not agree with me, but please, let me try to convince you of his awesomeness. The following is a list of reasons why Dwight should be your friend, or in the least, within your inner circle.

(1) Dwight has cool clothes. His staple color is mustard yellow. Who in the hell wears mustard yellow? That alone is hilarious.

(2) He is a beet farmer. How obscure is beets? I don’t know anyone under the age of 60 (and that is not a joke) who has eaten them and why shouldn’t Dwight have a farm full of them? ! Who knows, beets could be the cure to cancer and Dwight would be in the thick of it. Who wouldn’t want to know someone who has cured cancer?! I know I would want to. Cancer, bad. Dwight, good.

(3) He is German. I like Germans. They have a rich and interesting culture (minus the Hitler part) and anyone who can speak the language is the shit. Period. Plus, I like cuckoo clocks. Germans = cuckoo clocks. Therefore, Dwight Schrute = Awesome Dude.

(4) He is loyal. His loyalty maybe misdirected, but he is loyal nonetheless. How many times has the other Office members pulled pranks where he is the butt of the joke. Regardless, Dwight is still willing to step up and be their leader in the time of emergency (or opportunity). I love his loyalty, because I am a loyal person to. Way to put your pride aside, Dwight.

(5) He has obscure interests like bobble head dolls, Star Wars, goat herding, financial opportunist (i.e. selling popular toys at a 500% price mark-up during Christmas), paper selling, beet farming, Michael Scott, Bed-and-Breakfasts, colonial times, martial arts, self-defense and fire safety. Could you imagine the kind of conversations you could have with this guy??????!!!!!! You would never stop learning. Ever. Even if you didn’t want to.

(6) He is 7 feet tall. Well, at least next to me he would seem 7 feet tall. I like tall people. They are like circus freaks to me. We would look like a before-and-after-photo if we were standing next to each other. People would say, “Woah! Who is that tall guy?” and “Woah! Look at how crazy short he is making that woman look!” ….Totally sweet.

(7) “Question: What type of bear is the BEST. False. Black bear. Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica” This is the best banter ever recorded on the planet earth. Could you imagine being present for this glorious moment?! I would probably pee my pants and flood the place. True story.

(8) Innovative. It was Dwight Schrute who created his own currency. Yes, that’s right. The Schrute Buck, which equals to 1/100ths of a cent. If I save up all of the Schrute Bucks that I would conceivably accumulate in my lifetime, I would be able to buy one ream of Dunder Mifflin paper. Mission accomplished.

(9) He has a face like a half moon-guy. Remember the guy from the McDonald’s commercials. “Hey! It’s Mac tonight!!” You have to be in a certain age group to remember those gems. If you are, I know you see the resemblance.

(10) Because why the hell not. People like Dwight are interesting and if you want boring, easy-going, lame-ass people in your life at all times, that is fine. But for me? I want people like Dwight Schrute. People like Dwight keep life interesting…always.

Gym Rat

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Before I was the “Legal Ballerina” I was a gym rat.  Well, technically I was a “runner rat” (if that is even a term) and before than I was a “gym rat”.   I stopped going to the gym for a couple of reasons.  One, I had children and had little time to get away for a couple of hours to work out and two, I bought a treadmill.  Who needs to go to the gym when you have perfectly good equipment at your own home?  Well, today my husband made plans to go to the gym and asked me if I wanted to go.  Me? The gym? I am no gym rat anymore.  I am a ballerina.  Ballerinas do not “gym”, we dance.  Although, it has been an awful long time since I have been inside the walls of an actual facility dedicated to getting buff.  The mirrors, the equipment, the smell of sweat and deodorant, the weird mixture of muscular and overweight people all there to do one thing: get fit.  I felt intrigued.  So, I went.

I had nothing to wear, of course.  All my money has been poured into buying leotards, leg warmers and ballet shoes.  I can’t wear a leotard to the gym, so I threw something together that could pass as traditional workout attire.  I used my new ballet bag to carry my stuff (thanks Ms. Disney – LOVE IT!), hopped into the car and away I went.  I walked through the doors and immediately felt out of place.  This is no ordinary gym – this gym is owned by a former professional bodybuilder and is riddled with men and women who train like bodybuilders.  This place is a juice head’s dream.  Then there is me – the waif.  At least, I felt like a waif compared to all of them.  Oh well, I can hang. I am no stranger to a pair of dumb bells, but I had no intention on using any.  I started by running on a treadmill.  I powered out a couple of miles and then walked over to my husband who was doing dead lifts with his friend.  I had no intention on doing any of that either.  I hoped on a couple of machines to work my lower body and spotted something I hadn’t seen in a long time – a Roman chair.  This machine works out your lower back by holding your legs in place, giving the torso a large range of flexion and extension motion.  I normally do this on the floor, which is pretty limiting.  I have to say – my back has gotten extremely strong and flexible. I was able to arch my back so far that even my husband’s friend had to cringe.  *Score.   I may not be able to lift a lot of weight, but I was the most flexible bitch in that joint.  Don’t hate ladies and gents.  You too can be this flexible, all you need is one year of daily, intense stretching.  HOLLA.

So after a very satisfying workout I realized how much I missed being in a gym atmosphere.  I really am a gym rat deep down inside. I like to push my body; I am not afraid to sweat.  Most of the girls at the studio are not like this.  As soon as they feel hot – they turn down the heat.  Me? I want to turn it up! Let’s sweat ladies! That’s what we are here for!  What? You need a drink of water? We just started!  Stop pussing around and let’s push ourselves until we fall over from sheer exhaustion!….At least, that is my motto.  I am signing up for a full membership.  I need to be in an environment like this at least once a week.  It will keep me motivated to push harder during my non-ballet-related workouts.  It will also ensure I keep my endurance up and build muscle in areas I am not regularly working during class.  I am so “pumped”. (get it.)

 

Ballerina Christmas

This year I got a lot of ballet inspired gifts.  I think people are starting to suspect that I like ballet (HA).  I thought I would share some of my favorite gifts with you all.

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Ok – this is not ballet related, but it is my favorite gift from my husband.  It is a cuckoo clock for my office.  It is not a “real” cuckoo clock per se, i.e. it is not hand-made and it runs on batteries.  I have real ones at the house.  I just wanted something for my office and this was perfect.  I plan on driving my assistant, Ginormica, bonkers with the hourly cuckoos and songs!  So it serves more purpose than one: decorate my office and annoy my assistant. Thanks hubby!

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This was a gift from my daughter.  She picked this ornament specifically for me.  I got 4 ballet related ornaments this year, but her gift was my favorite.  Even for only being 7 years-old, she know how important ballet has become in my life.  She is so sweet.  When I pack up my ornaments this year, I will place her gift in my curio cabinet so I can look at it all year-long.  Thank you sissy!

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My father-in-law and mother-in-law got me two new leotards and a pair of my favoite ballet slippers.  I took a picture of the back of the one leo because it is the coolest part.  I am going to look so sweet (hopefully not fat) my first week back to the studio! *Joy.

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This was a gift from my husband’s aunt.  Her mother was a ballerina and thinks it is great that I decided to take it up.  Aren’t these little slippers precious?  These puppies are either going in my car or in the curio cabinet.  They just cannot remain in storage all year; they are just too adorable.

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Last, but not least, this gift was given to me by Ms. Disney.  She put my first pair of pointe shoes, part of my first costume and a picture that she took of me in September into a shadow box.  Ms. Disney is so thoughtful.  I didn’t even know my shoes were missing! (The little thief).  I can’t wait to hang it on my wall.  And, “yes”, that is a garder belt and “yes” it was a part of my first pointe costume.  Hey, beggers cannot be choosers!

Anyone else get some cool gifts this year?

 

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Holiday Hangover

Good day friends! It feels like ages since I blogged about anything.  The holidays are CRAZY at my house.   I swear I didn’t stop moving for 4 days straight.  But now, now Christmas is over and I can finally rest.  I am on vacation until the day after New Years and I plan on spending a lot more quality time with the kiddles and husband.  Ahhhhhh….*bliss.

To no surprise to anyone out there, I have not been doing much on anything in the ballet department.  Hell, I could barely motivate myself to stretch, although, I did manage to do that a couple of times.  It is difficult to squeeze in exercise when you are ass deep in parties, presents and people.  Besides, who wants to workout during this time of year, am I right?!  Much to my delight, the General scheduled make-up classes at the studio this evening.  I have ballet level II, plus pointe.  I admit, I am a little scared.  Like many people, I get the irrational fear of forgetting everything I ever learned when I take a break from my routine.  Or better yet, the fear of losing all of the muscle I have gained in my ankles and feet.  However, last night I surprised the hell out of myself when I actually ran, not jogged, RAN 2 1/2 miles.  I was sprinting like the old days and it felt like I never stopped running.  Even more surprising is how my leg muscles didn’t feel stressed or fatigued, even when I ran on an incline.  In fact, I felt stronger than I did when I was running 4 days a week.  Who would have thunk it?!

I suppose another irrational fear I have is gaining too much weight.  I really threw caution to the wind and ate everything in sight from Friday to Christmas day.  A staple of my diet was buffalo chicken cheese dip, courtesy of Ms. Disney herself.  For those of you who are not familiar with this culinary delight, this dish consists of the following: Canned chicken, hot sauce, cream cheese, cheddar cheese and ranch dressing….OMG, my mouth is watering.  So, basically it is cheese, cheese and protein.  As Dora the Explorer would say, “Delicioso!!”  I normally do not consume so much dairy, but I could not resist its powerful lure this holiday season.  This deadly dish kept popping up everywhere I went and I could not resist its creamy charms. Anywho, my fear isn’t that irrational.  Almost everyone worries about gaining weight over the holidays and it is completely normal to gain a pound or two.  Although, most people do not have to wear a glorified bathing suit that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination.  The idea of wearing spandex in front of teenagers is motivation enough to not get completely out of control when presented with holiday fare.  I may have eaten a lot of buffalo chicken cheese dip over the last couple of days, but I didn’t get too crazy with much else.  So for that, I am proud of myself.

Either way, I am really excited to get back into the studio.  I can’t wait to practice pointe. I swear, if I had my choice, that is all I would do.  On a side note – while I didn’t get much practicing in over the last week, I did officially get down into my left split!  Let’s see, it took me a year to get down into my left split, so it will likely take another year to get into my right split.  At this rate, I will officially be a ballerina by 40! Wahnt wahnn wahhhhhh! HA!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Crazy Stretching = Diva Behavior?

Well ladies and gents, I got another email.  This one is from Snarkalicious.  She has a question and I thought we could all chime in and answer her question.

Snarkalicious writes:

Hi Legal Ballerina –

 
I’ve been enjoying your blog for a while now, and wanted to THANK YOU for the “Ballerina” documentary post.  I had never heard of this film, but really enjoyed watching it.  It’s amazing how different watching ballet is now that I have been taking classes; I feel like I could stare at dancers all day long.
 
Ahem.
 
Anyhow, I DO have a question for you.  Often, my classes include more advanced dancers that really don’t need to be in a Beginner I or II class (but probably just need a class that fits into their schedule).  No biggie, and it’s nice to have someone with better technique in front of me so I can see/copy more subtle aspects of different movements at the barre. 
 
BUT.  I do not get the following behavior:  More-advanced-ballet-dancer comes in late (always, and up to 10 minutes tardy), proceeds to stretch in an extremely enthusiastic and distracting manner while the teacher is demonstrating the next barre combination, NEVER marks the combination (or even deigns to stand at this point – still stretching), and then sometimes even stretches again in between right and left combinations.  I’m talking sit-on-the-floor-and-do-the-splits type of stretching.  WTF?
 
Are more advanced dancers this in need of constant stretching?  I’m doing ok, and I never feel the need to stretch this intensely, especially when it isn’t really time to stretch.  I’m starting to suspect this is diva-ish behavior.  Please set me straight, LB!
 
And Merry Christmas. 🙂
 
Snarkalicious

Well, Snarkalicous, in my opinion? These young ladies are probably trying to make sure who is boss in that studio.  Their actions scream, “Hey ladies, look at me! I am young, have more experience and are crazy flexible.  You better recognize, bi-atch!”  It is truly ridiculous and completely distracting.  If it is that bad, I would mention something to your instructor.  Especially if it is disrupting your class. I mean, you are a paying client.  You do have the right to voice a concern that is taking away from your overall experience, am I right?  Although, I would be diplomatic in your delivery.  You don’t know what kind of relationship these ladies have with the instructor.  You don’t want to start any unnecessary drama in your class. 

Also, do these ladies really need to stretch like this all of the time? Probably not.  If your body is young and you have stretched a lot over the years, you will always maintain a certain level of flexibility no matter what.  However, the General has all of her studios devote a lot of time in stretching in every class, regardless of the flexibility of the individual student.  Keep doing what you are doing and don’t worry about them.  In the end, I really think these ladies are just marking their territory (and more importantly) being immature. 

Thanks for the great email Snark! I hope my answer helps!
Oh yeah, and have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!